Murphy's Law

Let me tell you a little story...

During through the summer, my headphones broke, as headphones often do. I've gone a month or two without working pair of headphones and no use for my mp3 player. This past weekend, I finally splurge and get a nice pair of skull candy headphones. For those of you who aren't familiar with skull candy, you suck. Anyway, I get these nice headphones and I try them out with my mp3 player. They sound absolutely amazing and all is right with the world. The next day, I turn on my mp3 player to find that the screen no longer works, all the controls just lock up, and I can't even turn it off. Its dead. I go 2 months without headphones and a working mp3 player, then the DAY AFTER I spend a good bit of money on a nice pair of headphones, my mp3 player breaks. Murphy can suck it...

Blank DVD's and Their Arbitrary Restrictions

Don't get me wrong, I love blank DVD's. Without them, I wouldn't have my huge collection of movies. What I do hate, however, is the fact that their are 2 different kinds, for ABSOLUTELY NO REASON AT ALL. For those of you who don't know, there are 2 kinds of dvd's and cd's: -r and +r. There is virtually no difference between the two types except for the fact that some dvd burners/players won't work with both, only one or the other. How utterly retarded is that? Are they TRYING to frustrate us? Why in the world did anyone ever think making 2 identical products, then changing some arbitrary feature, causing them to be incompatable. WHY? WHY GOD, WHY?


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Stairs

Stairs are such a ridiculous feature. They are so inefficient! They take up so much space and limit how structures are built, plus they are just slow and tedious to walk up. Seriously, who wants to have to climb stair after stair just to get to another level of a building? You probably think I'm just lazy, but that's not true. Because I am not fat.

You'd think by now we would have some sort of technology that makes stairs unnecessary. Just throwing out some idea's, how about a moving staircase? You step on, it takes you up to the next level, then you get up. Easy as that. Or maybe just a vertical shaft in the building with a little box on cables that you get in, specify which floor you want to go to, then it takes you there. I'm not even an engineer and I have better idea's for the advancement of our technology than the people who do it for their jobs, come on! Here are some blue prints I came up with so my idea's can be effectively used in real life.






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The Word "Webinar"

I've started hearing this word a lot lately. I don't know what it is about it, but the word "webinar" just pisses me off to no end! Maybe I am just being ridiculous. Maybe it's just my personal pet peeve. I highly doubt that, however.

I bet some poor sap was just sitting around and trying desperately to be clever by making a combination of the words "web" and "seminar." Although he succeeded in combining the words after hours of deep thought, no doubt, he failed miserably at injecting even the slightest bit of cleverness in there.

I am now making it my personal mission to become ruler of the entire planet just so I can make this word taboo. Anyone who says it will be hung.

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Sites Who Post Too Infrequently

I follow a number of design blogs on the web (for those of you who don't know, I am a graphic design major in college) and one thing that really pisses me off is when I check back day after day and these sites never update with new content. What??? Now I've just wasted 30 seconds of my life. Thanks a lot, infrequent blog poster. I hate you. You don't get paid to sit around and do nothing, in fact, you don't get paid at all, so GET OFF YOUR LAZY BUTT AND START WRITING THINGS I WANT TO READ ABOUT.

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Guys who think wearing pink is "cool"

We all know the type. They buy their jeans with holes already in them and pay twice as much for them as their non-ripped brethren. They wear shirts that are 2 sizes too small. It is a rare experience to see one without at least 3 polo's over top of each other, all of the collars popped.


We must hunt them down and kill them all. And burn their shirts. It will keep us warm for many winters.


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Text Books

For those of you who don't know, I am a college student. I am also not the child of rich, snobby parents, which means I am paying for college out of my own pocket (with a little help from my parents, definitely not a free ride), working hard for every cent. This obviously means I am poor. So why, why oh why, do professors put an $80 text book on the required materials list for a class and then use the book a TOTAL of 1 (ONE!)time! Are they trying to be disliked by every single student who signed up for their class? And to top it off, they choose a book that has a new edition coming out the same time your trying to sell yours off after you realize you don't need it, making it virtually worthless. To all those professors who do this: You don't want to know where I'm going to shove that expensive text book if I can't find some sucker to buy an outdated book...

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Fender Benders

You know what I hate about fender benders? They're wimps. They don't even have the balls to be a real car crash. It's like some kid who's afraid to jump off the high dive at the swimming pool so he steps off the side of the pool instead. No on is impressed, it doesn't make a scene, but he still get's wet. Grow a pair, fender benders!

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Mirrors

Mirrors are one of the most useless inventions ever created. The only thing they do is let you stare at yourself. Seriously, If I were you, I would NOT want to look at myself. Ever. They don't even always for that either! What if you're a vampire? Then you can't even see yourself!
Ok, well actually mirrors are pretty important when driving, but BESIDES that they serve no purpose. Oh wait, and for dentists to use to look into your mouth, but BESIDES that, they are utterly useless. Actually, they're used in SLR camera's too. And, umm, flashlights use them to concentrate the light into a beam. And Telescopes, fun-houses, and disco balls, and solar panels. But BESIDES those things, what have mirrors done for us? That's right, nothing.

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Multiple Choice

I personally think that multiple choice questions on tests have become responsible for all the problems that this world is facing. Global Warming? It's not the increase of C02, it's the increase in multiple choice questions in the public school system! Economic downfall? Blame it on multiple choice! Multiple choice questions have even been known to cause homosexuality. It's a fact.

In all seriousness though (for once), I really do think multiple choice has become way, way overused. It's fine for a few questions on a test with many other types of questions, but when you get a test that is just 150 multiple choice questions and 1 essay, that's just ridiculous. It also works for the other end of the spectrum: If a quiz only has 5 questions, don't make them all multiple choice! Would it really be THAT time consuming to read a few sentences for 5 questions? Are teachers really that lazy?

Multiple choice is only advantageous when you don't know anything. Then you can guess and at least have a 25% of getting it right, but when you actually KNOW the subject really well, multiple choice just turns into the game of "how much more can a I doubt my right answer before I change it to that wrong answer that is phrased so ambiguously that it very well could be right?" That's basically what multiple choice has become: Teachers phrasing every choice that that it tricks people into thinking it sounds like the right answer. Is that really what tests were intended to do? I think not.

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Mondays

Before I start my rant today, I want to say something. You might have noticed that updates were pretty scarce this weekend. That might make some of you a little sad. I'm sorry. It's just that... well... I have a life. I'm not going to turn down my friends so that I can sit, hunched in front of my computer writing just for the enjoyment and entertainment of others.

So my weekend was pretty fun, I got to relax, hang out with some friends, stay up late, sleep in... all the stuff I weekend should be. The only thing worse than a weekend that ends is a weekend that ends followed by a Monday. Unfortunately the world has a pretty rigid schedule when it comes to the order of the days in the week, so Monday ALWAYS comes after the weekends. That sucks, doesn't it?

Well lucky for you, I have a way to brighten up your Monday and at the same time making it worse for everyone around you. If you've seen the movie Office Space, you'll know about this. Just go around to people on Monday's who look a bit sad or regretful that the weekend is over and just ask, "aw, do you have a bad case of the Monday's?" It pisses people off to no end, which makes your day that much better!

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Fruitcake

I wonder if anyone at anyplace in anytime ever actually found fruitcakes appealing? I'm even more pissed off at the Romans for inventing this crap than I am at the Mesopotamians for inventing bricks. Since the Romans made the first fruitcakes, they are basically responsible for starting the practice of re-gifting. Because as we all know, no one actually EATS fruitcakes, we just keep giving them to "friends" and relatives they don't like when we are too lazy or petty to buy them a real gift.

No one eats fruitcakes, that's a fact. This means that the number of fruitcakes is growing since they (for some reason) keep making more of them. This is potentially dangerous because once we reach the point of no return-when the number of fruitcakes on the earth exceed the number of people-humanity as we know it is over. This is when they will strike. They are sick of being stuck in the pantry and rejected. They want revenge. I tell you this, the fruitcakes WILL attack. It will be devastating. There will be no survivors.

This is what we must do: A week from now, everyone will gather AS MANY fruitcakes as they possibly can, and ceremoniously burn them. Make piles of them in the street, a fire pit, or ideally a rocket test chamber, and just BURN THEM ALL. Show them no mercy, for we will receive none. Good luck, soldiers.

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Censorship

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Sweaty Armpits

If nothing up until this point has led you to believe that there is a God, that there is some kind of higher power than had a proverbial hand in creating us, then this will make a believer out of you. How can you possibly believe in evolution when things like sweaty armpits exist? At least listen to my argument before you write me off as a lunatic. It is actually a pretty sound theory.

The theory of evolution argues that over (a long) time, small mutations in DNA that benefit the species will become more and more prominent and eventually every member of the species will have that new trait because the members with this trait are more likely to survive and pass that trait on. Likewise, traits that weaken the species will eventually be weeded out.

So why haven't humans evolved non-sweaty armpits? Sweat is supposed to cool off our body by evaporating, but sweat doesn't evaporate from armpits. It's completely useless. And if that's not enough, people with sweaty armpits smell bad and therefor are less likely to get dates which in the long run will make them less likely to get married and pass on their trait for sweaty armpits. Therefor if evolution were accurate, humans would have evolved non-sweaty armpits long ago.

Yao Ming is already way ahead of us. Apparently, his armpits excrete honey instead of sweat:

By the way, God, I expect to get a free pass into heaven for this.


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Hybrid SUVs

I'm really starting to wonder about the sanity of the human race as a whole. Who's brilliant idea was this? Hybrid technology is good, yes. It cuts down on gas consumption, saving the driver of the car money on gas and I guess it doesn't hurt the environment as much, if you care about that kind of thing.

So for whatever reason, either saving gas money or you're one of those environmentalist types, you decided to spend the extra money and get a hybrid. Great! Good for you! Oh but the stupidity just couldn't hide itself forever and it shows it's ugly face again when you decide that your going to get a hybrid SUV. Great. So instead of getting 10 mpg with a regular SUV, your getting 20 mpg with the added bonus of thinking that owning a hybrid gives you the excuse to act like a snob and look down at people with "regular" cars. Just what we need more of in this word.

I might have mis-titled this post. It should actually just say "SUVs Really Grind My Gears" because, in reality, all SUV's are completely ridiculous and serve no purpose at all. If you want a lot of seating, get a van. If you want a lot of storage space, get a truck. If you really want a fuel efficient vehicle, get one of these:



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Internet Explorer

I hate Internet Explorer so much, I would give my life if it meant it was never created. I am willing to make that sacrifice for the rest of humanity.

To be honest, I don't think I should even have to explain why I, or any other creature on this planet with a brain stem (including ducks and antelope, mind you), have a boiling, overflowing hatred of IE. There are far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far (you get the idea) too many flaws to even list, and I am feeling particularly lazy right now.

So instead, I'll just say this: If you are still using Internet Explorer, turn off your computer, walk outside, and lay down in the middle of the closest multi-lane highway. Now if your one of the few people who are still using IE and are actually somewhat smart enough to actually do what I just suggested, go get Firefox, you imbecile.



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Narcissists

Don't you hate people who always talk about themselves and hold themselves up like they were the ones who invented sliced bread? (speaking of sliced bread, This guy has every right to brag. Not only did they invent sliced bread, but they created the standard of invention that everyone else compares other things to)

I also have to bring Twitter up again. Could you even BE more narcissistic than wanting everyone to know what your doing all the time, everywhere? No one cares! Really, they don't!

See, even though I talk about how awesome I am a lot, it's not narcissism because I know it's true. People tell me so. If I start talking about how amazing I am at anything, people don't interrupt me to say it's not true, they wait patiently until I'm done, nodding in agreement, until I am done them proclaim how much they agree with me. I even have people I don't even know come up to me in the organic isle (Yes, I am that awesome) and tell me how purely brilliant I am. They don't even know me and they can still see that. I guess it's just the persona I have.

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Free Government Sponsored Cell Phones

This is about as political I'm going to get, but after a friend of mine pointed this out, my gears were grinding. A LOT.

My gripe this time is Free Cell Phones for the poor. What? WHAT?!! They get free cell phone service, free minutes each month, they even get a free phone! But still, that doesn't seem like enough. Let's through in Free caller ID, call waiting, voicemail, and rollover! Apparently, the government is too busy updating Twitter to really think about what they are doing.

So let me get this straight: Now the people who actually DO work not only have to pay an obcene amount of their HARD EARNED money to pay for their own cell phone bills, but in addition have to pay our government so that they can provide that same LUXURY to welfare recipients? That's it. I was on the edge about this until now, but this has made my decision so much easier. Here is my plan...

I'm going to quit my full time job, cancel my cell phone plan, drop out of college, apply for welfare, enjoy the luxuries of that life for a while including a frickin' free cell phone, then save up all the extra money I receive through wellfare to buy a yacht and a small island somewhere in the pacific and live happily ever after. The end.

Again, I'd like to thank Brian from Brian's Thoughts for this tidbit of disturbing and downright disgusting news. Check out his thoughts on free cell phones.

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Bricks

If I could go back in time to ask anyone anything I wanted, I would go back and ask the Mesopotamians, "for the love of God, why on earth did you invent the brick?"

Seriously, if you think about it, the idea of a brick is moronic. "Hey guys, let's build this giant building out of bricks, that way it will take an army of masons a century to build it!" Yeah let's build buildings out of rectangles that are only a few inches wide. Great idea. Even cinder blocks have bricks beat, and as everyone knows, cinder blocks are filthy inbreeding tramps. Congratulations, bricks, you just got one-upped by a bunch of idiots who want to bone their aunt.

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Deodorant

Oh boy, do I hate this stuff. Don't get me wrong, I love smelling fresh and clean for all the ladies out there, but sometimes the design and practicality of deodorant sticks just piss me off to no end. Are they trying to design these things with sub-par standards, or are the just incompetent morons who have inhaled too much Axe body spray in the locker when the one jock decides he needs to spray half the bottle on himself until it's literally condensed and started dripping on the floor, meanwhile causing permanent brain damage to everyone else in the room?

Either way, there's no excuse for this major flaw that I am about to unveil. Why in God's name is the bottom of the deodorant stick NOT attached the the bottom of the plastic in some way? Basically the way it's set up, when you get down to the last quarter of your deodorant container, you might as well throw it out because the deodorant stick falls out every time you use it! This just happened to me this morning: I walk into my to get dressed after my shower and an ample 5 hours of sleep and I go to apply my deodorant, but the stick falls out of the plastic, lands on the ground, and is now completely covered in dog hair (because I haven't vacuumed my room in months and my dog likes to shed in my room, but that's not the point, it shouldn't even fall out of the container in the first place.)

The brilliant guys who design these things MUST have realized this flaw. There's no way around it unless they don't actually USE deodorant (which, now that I think about it, is actually a completely believable possibility). This leads me to think that they designed this flaw into the product ON PURPOSE just to piss us off and force us to buy deodorant more often. Those Bastards.

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Pepsi

Imagine this scenario. You walk into a nice restaurant, put your name in, and get a table. Your waitress walks over and says, "Hi, my name is Stacey, can I get your drink order's?" Without even looking at the menu, I ask for a coke, since that is the obvious choice. "Is Pepsi okay?" Oh no she didn't...

Shaking uncontrollably with rage, trying to restrain myself from lashing out without warning, grabbing Stacey by the neck and Squeezing until her cold, lifeless body falls from my hands, all I am able to get out of my mouth is, "w-w-water."

I'm sure you can all relate with this, it's a very common situation and reaction. It happens to everyone at some point. Because the truth is, NO, Pepsi is NOT okay. If I had wanted liquefied horse crap, I would have asked for Pepsi. If I had wanted fermented piss water that causes sterility, I would have asked for mountain dew, and if I had wanted a fantastic mixture of 23 different types of compost, I would have asked for Dr. Pepper. But that's not what I asked for. I asked for a cool, crisp, refreshing Coca-Cola

As I leave the restaurant, my back turned to the smoldering ruins and blackened corpses, I ask myself, "Was all this really necessary? Was it worth it?" I receive my answer as soon as I stop at the nearby convenience store and pick up an ice cold bottle of Coke: "Why, yes. Yes it is."

All of this could have been avoided. If I had just gotten my Coke in the restaurant and hadn't been asked that ridiculous question. Is that REALLY that hard to do, Stacey? Is IT?! WELL??!!!


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Twitter

This is a great one to start on because, seriously, it's freaking Twitter.

To any readers out there who are an avid user of Twitter, I'm sorry. I really am. I'm sorry your existence is so void of anything close to or comes near a life that it has been reduced to insanely obvious narcissism and stalker-life behavior. That's really what it is. Don't even try to argue. Why else would you constantly want to update what you're doing all the time so that anyone on the internet who has even less important things to do than you can read all about it?

And how in the freaking world is everyone so obsessed with celebrity twitter? Seriously? I guess it's just me, but I quite literally couldn't care less that Dane Cook says "I'm feeling a little dehydrated. Is heroin good for that?" or that John Mayer is "Doing vocal warmups, trying to simulate that 1am singing vibe in the afternoon." Now this next one is just really sad. Miley Syrus "Just bought Copeland's new record "Eat Sleep Repeat". It is genius just like all their other albums." Ok, first of all, I don't think I can listen to Copeland anymore. That makes me sad. Second of all, Miley, that album came out in 2006, it is no where NEAR "new." Idiot. And this statistic is truly sad: Tila Tequila has an average of 90 tweets a day. What?! What do her updates even say? "I'm updating my twitter right now"? It's to the pointer where even the President of the United States is on twitter. Doesn't he have more important things to do like... I dunno, run our country?

Here to sum up my feelings on celebrity twitter and actually just twitter in general, I present to you: Dr. Cox. (click)

Along with that charming video, I would also like to suggest this T-Shirt to anyone who feels the same way I do.




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Let's get something straight

Has someone (or something) ever just pissed you off so much you just felt like going off into a ten minute rant and just tear that person (or thing) to shreds? Don't lie, you have. I know I have. I sometimes find myself out of breath after screaming in a shrill girl voice at inanimate objects for making my life misarable. Since I do this anyway, I might as well post it here and see what everyone on the internet thinks about it. After all, all of your opinions about my personal life matter. They do. Really.

I'll leave you with this: (Click)