Fruitcake

I wonder if anyone at anyplace in anytime ever actually found fruitcakes appealing? I'm even more pissed off at the Romans for inventing this crap than I am at the Mesopotamians for inventing bricks. Since the Romans made the first fruitcakes, they are basically responsible for starting the practice of re-gifting. Because as we all know, no one actually EATS fruitcakes, we just keep giving them to "friends" and relatives they don't like when we are too lazy or petty to buy them a real gift.

No one eats fruitcakes, that's a fact. This means that the number of fruitcakes is growing since they (for some reason) keep making more of them. This is potentially dangerous because once we reach the point of no return-when the number of fruitcakes on the earth exceed the number of people-humanity as we know it is over. This is when they will strike. They are sick of being stuck in the pantry and rejected. They want revenge. I tell you this, the fruitcakes WILL attack. It will be devastating. There will be no survivors.

This is what we must do: A week from now, everyone will gather AS MANY fruitcakes as they possibly can, and ceremoniously burn them. Make piles of them in the street, a fire pit, or ideally a rocket test chamber, and just BURN THEM ALL. Show them no mercy, for we will receive none. Good luck, soldiers.

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